Hi
:trig:
This is my first post on here as I am a newbie and have only just been recommended this forum.
I'm not exactly sure what I want to say, but I'll see how it goes.
I have been self harming since I was about 11 and over the past couple of years have made attempts to end my life. The last time I self harmed or attempted to end my life was about this time last year. I'm happy to say that although I thought things could never improve, they really, really did. I felt truly happy for what felt like the first time in my life. However over the last few weeks I feel like my depression is returning and the other night I self harmed. Despite how I've been feeling recently, it was even a shock to me that this had happened since it had been so long since I had done it. Because self harming has often led to me trying to end my life, something inside me told me that I needed to stop before things got out of hand. I called the police (wasn't sure if that was the right course of action, but didn't know who else to call in the moment, didn't want to tell anyone I knew, plus I suppose it felt like an emergency at the time). I was taken to hospital and had an awful experience there, they left me outside and no one came to get me until a passer-by found me and went to get help. They didn't even know who I was, there was a huge lack of communication and it was actually quite embarrassing and not what I needed at the time. But anyway, I feel slightly positive about the fact I was the one contacting the police/ambulance, because I honestly feel that if this was a year ago things could have been very different.
Spoke to someone from the Mental Health team, really nice guy who actually recommended me this forum. I admitted to him that every time this happens, I agree to see someone but the truth is, I never actually have. The first time I considered counselling or therapy was when I was about 15. I went for an appointment but couldn't go ahead until my dad signed a form to agree to it, since I was under 16. I didn't want my dad to have any idea what was going on so I didn't go through with it. About 2 and a half years ago after an attempt to end my life I was transferred to a mental health clinic who I had to visit every other day. They eventually referred me on to see a psychologist and discharged me from the clinic. I never answered the calls and never went ahead with it. After the last attempt, I went through a similar process but was given numbers of therapists to contact myself. I contacted all of them and only one was within travelling distance of me or actually got back to me. I filled out their form to which I got a reply stating that they felt that they would not be suitable for me and should get in contact with my GP. I suppose after that I just gave up because I thought I was getting better, and I was.
After what happened the other night, I think I've realised that even though I think things are getting better, it's still good to talk. I don't know why I avoided it so much, it's just always been easier to carry on like nothing's happened. I really think I need it now though, I can't think straight since the other night, I can't talk to anyone that I know about this properly. I have a lot of supportive people in my life, but none of them truly know how I feel. Whenever they find out about something, I always convince them everything is fine and that I'm going to get help. Might sound bad but I've gotten very good and convincing people everything is fine, I'm known for being a very smiley and happy person, new friends are always completely shocked if they find out. Professional support would probably also be good very soon since I am moving abroad for a year in October and won't know anyone there, and even though I tell myself I'm not worried about it, I think I really am. I haven't felt myself at all since the other night, I don't expect to feel great but it seems to get worse everyday, and I'm starting to think it's because I made it difficult for my friends to talk to me about this, and I feel bad for worrying them and then pushing them away and convincing them I'm fine when I'm not.
I feel like I've written so much, and I don't really know what I'm expecting to get from this. Although this isn't speaking out loud, typing this out has actually helped a little. Considering I've never had any long-term help, I suppose I'd like to ask how useful people have found it? Sounds a little naive because it's obviously going to help, but I suppose I've always been unsure as to how much it can actually help, especially if you're someone like me who rarely talks about these sort of things when it comes to myself!
Also, if you have read all of this, thank you for powering through and taking the time to read this!
:wave: xxxx
xx
