Unsure if I am doing this as self harm *trig SH/ food issues*

[faithful]

Sorry to have threads all over the place
This is just sort of separate to other things

Basically,  I haven't cut in about 5 months,  I haven't overdosed in a month and haven't harmed in my other usual way in a week.  Which is good for me. Although probably doesn't sound it? I don't know.  And now I have also stopped drinking alcohol. Which I relied on daily to take the edge off and help myself cope with things and lower my anxiety. 

So on the outside it looks like I'm doing well.  But I'm struggling without alcohol and overdoses and self harm and feel things more intensely now there isn't anything taking the edge off.  Things are building and getting to me more.

And so that brings me to this. Restricting what I eat/ fasting. People do fasts and things all the time for religious reasons and heath benefits. And so I doubt my health is at risk.
I have body image issues/ hate myself and my weight and appearence etc. But this is long standing. 
However since cutting out alcohol I have either fasted or restricted my food and drink intake. I don't know if I can post this

:trig:

But basically this week I ate about half of what I should Monday,  nothing Tuesday, a quarter of what I should Wednesday and then nothing for over 24 hours as it stands.  And I've been drinking less than I should technically.  It's been like this basically since the 9th when I started my detox. I don't think I've lost weight but my scales are broken so I can't know for sure. But I look the same/ maybe even more bloated. Physically I don't think I'm damaging myself.  But I don't know why I'm doing this. There is just a part of me that can't let myself eat or eat much, like I just can't allow myself.  And I've been sleeping more/ tired more so I guess this is all I'm achieving.  Which leads me to wonder whether I'm doing this as an escapism/ distraction like with alcohol and self harm and whether this is my new replacement?

But then I'm not harming myself so it can't be. I just don't know. But I want to carry on how I am even though it makes me more tired.

I'm not underweight, no where close. I'm a healthy BMI technically but towards the higher end. So I'm not at risk or anything and I don't think this is dangerous. I just don't know why I am suddenly doing it.  It seems to be correlated to stopping drinking.

Sorry for rambling!

[Vermilion]

For some this behavior could be considered SH if the intention was to damage your body to deal with feelings, I have used this method myself. If that's not your intention it could be about control. You used to use SH/alcohol as a way to control your emotions and now you've stopped those behaviors you're using food as a way to control things and it could also be a distraction, thinking about your food intake could seem easier than focusing on other things that are going on. Does that make sense?
I think EDs are often about control as well and these are similar behaviors. I haven't been diagnosed with an ED so I couldn't say for sure, but maybe others would know a little more about that.
I don't know if this has made much sense but I hope its helped a bit.

[faithful]

What you've said has made perfect sense- thank you. I do think it's more of a replacement for alcohol. Alcohol was never about doing damage like self harm and overdoses are. But all of these things are a way of coping with and managing my emotions just through different mechanisms.  Alcohol was always a way to numb things out and I guess this is that as well as shifting my focus/ distracting and concentrating on something other than my thoughts and feelings. 

I don't know whether this is bad though? As it's helping me stay off alcohol definitely.  As for self harm not so much.
But I don't want to stop how I am at the minute with food. It's helping and so I feel like maybe it's not even an issue to be concerned about? 

:trig:  maybe?


I don't know why but I like it  I like the feeling of restricting or fasting and the more I do it the more  I like it. Earlier I ate the majority of a muffin and drank a cup of tea. Which would be a typical restriction day for me. But when I don't fast I end up feeling conflicted as I don't want my metabolism to stop as then I won't lose weight but I want to fast. So I ate today after walking just so my metabolism had something and won't  shut down completely.  But that's less satisfying as now I feel worse and like I'm failing by eating a muffin. And it's like now I'm going to get fatter from eating the muffin. I plan to keep fasting at least intermittently.  It isn't a bad thing I don't think. I like the feeling from it

Does this sound bad?
I don't know

When I had issues with food in 2013 it was different to this/ more intense too
Now it's just therapeutic almost.

[faithful]

:trig:

I was weighed at my GP appointment yesterday and according to his scales I have lost a significant amount of weighMum's guess it would be classed as  (quite a bit more than a couple of pounds)
Although he wasn't concerned and doesn't know about any of this
My BMI is still healthy just lower

Although to be honest I don't believe I have lost any weight as I look exactly the same and I'm exactly the same size. Some of it could be natural weight fluctuations and the rest water weight I've lost?

But at the same time seeing a lower number on the scales is motivating to keep going to get to a new lower target. But at the same time I'm terrified of my weight going back up and I know if it does I'll be very triggered to SH or OD etc.

And Thursday/ Friday my Dad is staying with me and then I'm going to stay with my parents over the weekend for my Mum's birthday.  Which is worrying me a lot. There are 2-3 meals out planned.  1 of them (the restaurant) has a low calorie option that is okay.  The other 2 I am just going to have to guess the lowest calorie option. 
But that still doesn't allow for me to fast for Iintermittent days which is stressing me out.

As for skipping lunch and breakfast,  breakfast is easy I've never eaten breakfast. Lunch I am thinking of various ways of getting around eating

I'm just hating myself and feeling awful and I know I will come back triggered and 10× fatter and having gained all the weight back and more.   

[faithful]

I've got a plan in place for Thursday and Friday now
So I'm slightly less stressed about those days
it's just the weekend I'm freaking out about/ worried about
This is why it's easier to be alone