I am sick of this, why canít things go right for a change? Why canít my stupid head hold it together enough to get through the sh** and manage my life better, I just keep hitting this brick wall, I canít progress and Iím scared all the time of falling off the edge when Iím so damn close.
Rational me knows itís all in my head, but also knows that I am not getting the support I need. If people could just stop dropping out on me that would be awesome. i know at the end of the day the only person who can get me through this is me, but I need stability sometimes. And with people constantly changing their minds and affecting my job/housing situation combined with being skint as hell all the time, I canít do it alone. Iím afraid if I ask for the time off work to sort this, I will lose my job. Iím afraid if I donít sort the housing things soon I will be left with nowhere to live. Iím afraid that I have £15 to feed myself and get myself to work until wednesday (if we get paid on time) and I am out of things like toothpaste and soap.
Plus i desperately need to go to my doctor and sort my meds/head situation, but I havenít got time to take off. I donít know how to ask for time off for this at work, I was having an ibs attack at work the other day and couldnít bring myself to ask to go home, so I stuck it out. Same as I did last week after I had to call the CMHT in because I was in a mess and I had to work a full shift the next day, just spent the whole day feeling numb and exhausted. Still haven't properly come back to earth.
I keep trying to speak to my parents about some of this stuff but theyíre working or donít answer the phone. Same with friends. I just feel like Iím hitting my head against a brick wall and I canít move forward but I desperately need to.