Author Topic: long waffle....*trig sh ed*  (Read 950 times)

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Offline dreamer

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long waffle....*trig sh ed*
« on: April 24, 2012, 03:56:40 AM »
Hello lovely nshn peeps.

Long time since Iíve posted, but I have been lurking on and off. The thing I hate most about depression is I end up lying to everyone about everything. The other thing is I feel guilty for being depressed when my life isnít bad compared to the horrific things some people go through Ė I just seem to have a problem with coping with everyday normal stuff. My mind is bubbling over at the mo, so going to have a big long rant and tell the truth and hope to feel some sort of release...

I have 2 exams coming up, which I havenít even opened the text books for. Everyone thinks I did 1 of them last time, so Iím doing it in secret this time. They are very hard, people say with a pass rate of 50%, so if that is true, 1 in 2 fail  :(

Lost my proper job due to not be able to fully function and not coming clean about depression. I do have a new crappy job, but the minimum wage salary doesnít cover my living costs. So looking at putting all my furniture into storage and moving in with my parents, who have recently downsized and it will be very cramped. Waiting to hear about 2 potential interviews, which should be exciting, but I know in my current state Iím not up to the jobs. If I was lucky enough to get a job, 1 is miles away, so Iíd have to move, the other is local but still not enough money Ė either way Iím moving and the thought of packing everything up fills me with dread, I donít have the energy to brush my teeth, how am I going to manage something as massive as that?

Only started this job a couple of weeks ago and now Iím off sick with whiplash following a very bad traffic accident. But truthfully my neck isnít that bad, it does still hurt a bit but a normal person would just keep their chin up and push through, itís my mental health thatís stopping me from moving forward. Things will be very awkward when I return to work.

Not sleeping at night and then too lazy during the day. My sh is back with a vengeance, so far limited to hidden areas, but arms are becoming harder to resist. Recently changed meds, so thatís in the mix. Dr has repeatedly offered me sick notes for my depression, but I keep saying no for 3 reasons. 1. I donít get sick pay 2. Donít want ill mh on record and 3. Donít want people to know how low I really am again. It really affects my Mum, I know she canít cope with it. Iím the pillar she, my aunt and my cousin are all leaning on at the moment.

My ex got married last year and I still havenít processed it. I keep stalking him on facebook etc. Iím very lonely, not many friends. But I know that is my own fault for never pushing myself to socialise. I do have a guest coming on Weds, which means I need to clean my very messy flat. At the mo I have no clean plates or clothes and would be embarrassed if someone saw the mess, I think the place is even starting to smell  :blushing:

I've always wanted to be a wife and a mother and as I'm getting older and haven't had a relationship for years, I'm starting to think of my options. But I can't even look after myself, never mind be responsible for a child. I also have issues with my plumbing and what professional would sign off for me to adopt with my long history of sh and mh issues? This really upsets me and I think about it far too much, but I say to everyone that I like being a single carefree woman and joke that children make me twitch.
 
Iím incredibly overweight, to the point where people keep telling me they are worried about my health and Iíve been diagnosed with fatty liver disease. But I find food comforting, even considering going to Mcdonalds drive through now at 4am! I pretend to diet and keep eating in secret.

Serious money and debt issues, but nothing new there.

I could go on and on, but this already is a very long post so I will stop. Thank you nshn for giving me an outlet and thank you to anyone who reads all this waffle. xxx
sorry if i do or say something stupid!  xxx

Offline smiler

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Re: long waffle....*trig sh ed*
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2012, 04:02:24 AM »
hugs
no one wants to know
no one cares
those who do want to know,
  want to know so they can use it against me
hurt, pain, anger, destruction, death and hatred, the story of my life
all i hope for is some one i can love trust and believe loves and cares for me and wants whats best for me

Offline dreamer

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Re: long waffle....*trig sh ed*
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2012, 11:26:36 AM »
thank you for the hugs xx
sorry if i do or say something stupid!  xxx

Offline Dragonfly

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Re: long waffle....*trig sh ed*
« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2012, 11:54:28 AM »
Hi Dreamer,

 :hug2: :hug2:

You've got a lot going on there. Will your fit note not excuse you from the exams too - doesn't sound like a great time to be taking them?

Maybe staying with your folks for a bit would be a good thing - it will take away some of your financial and domestic load and you won't be on your own so it might help you to get into a more positive routine and to focus on your studies more.

Have you thought about getting some counselling or similar to help you work through some of these issues- there's a lot to process there and you don't have to do it all by yourself.

Sending bug hugs  :hug2: :hug2: :hug2:
I see your true colours shining through
I see your true colours, that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colours, true colours are beautiful
Like a rainbow

Offline green_jaguar

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Re: long waffle....*trig sh ed*
« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2012, 12:55:18 PM »
Just wanted to say you're not alone. I know what you mean when you say your life isn't bad compared to...
I'm sorry I haven't got anything helpful to say, but there are people here, me included, who are listening. Have a rant, get it off your chest. Please know people are thinking of you.

Offline sandeeme

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Re: long waffle....*trig sh ed*
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2012, 06:19:58 PM »
YOu have got a lot going on and its sounds like you don't know where to start..........

Could you have a think about what is the most important thing right now? - your health, work, exams,money worries...........and focus on that?

One thing at a time? you have plenty of time to get things sorted - try to take any support that is around - let your parents help,let your Dr help........they willwant to I'm sure.

You are absolutely worth being taken care of............ :hug1:

Offline dreamer

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Re: long waffle....*trig sh ed*
« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2012, 10:38:47 PM »
Thank you all for the very kind words. It means so much to know people have taken the time to read and to reply. I'd forgotten how great this forum can be. Just having my rant made me feel better and now your replies are helping too. Not sure whether I'm going to keep plodding on pretending everything is fine or wave the white flag and admit I need some help again.

Going to try my hardest to sleep tonight, got my tablets ready. Sweet dreams x
sorry if i do or say something stupid!  xxx

Offline PrettyLittleLie

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Re: long waffle....*trig sh ed*
« Reply #7 on: April 25, 2012, 05:15:50 PM »
Just a quick note to say I read your post and you are in my thoughts.... I am sending you lots of ((hugs))

How often do you receive support?

It makes me said to think of you feeling lonely.... you seem like such a lovely person, you are just going through a hard time right now, and I know how difficult it can make getting out and being social when you feel so low which can have a knock on effect on friendships and relationships.. please know though that when you feel lonely, you have so many people that care about you, here and in RL....
- Ellie