bad thoughts *trig Sui*

[jstcantstop]

 
we're all here for you xxx

[terrified heart]

Thank you, means a lot xx

Can't sleep. Feel so desperate for it all to end. All I can see in my head is myself swallowing hundreds of pills, or jumping in front of a train, or jumping off of a building. Being torchered by the images.

Am on more than the max recommended dose of my AD, the max dose of my AP. none of it works. Why do I still feel like this?? Why don't the meds stop these thoughts?? I'm just not cut out for life at all.

Thinking about ringing crisis, but can't pluck up the courage to ring. The thought of them saying there is nothing they can do would just push me over the edge.

I really want to die. I really do. I know it would hurt people, that's why I'm trying not to do it. But I'm in pain. Deep emotional pain and I want it all to stop.

[jstcantstop]

You are amazing and brave for holding on. It shows you are a strong person and can do this.

Can you try reading or doing a sudoku or something? Something a bit different to stop yourself thinking.

I thinking calling up crisis is a great idea. Think about it this way, you have nothing to loose, you won't feel worse and I promise you they'll help xxx

[Terri]

Hey TH.


With regards to the meds, would you consider seeing your psych about a change? I was on huge doses of AP and AD at one point (like you, above recommended of AD) and I still felt terrible. It's taken a while, some juggling and a few wobbles, but we seem to have found a combination that works well - I function well and things are generally good. Psych meds are notoriously difficult to get right, but there may well be the right ones out there for you.


With the psychologist, how's it going? I had CBT for over a year and it worked wonders with both my self-esteem and some other difficult thoughts that I get. I still slip up sometimes, but am more able to challenge things and put them into perspective. From what I've read, you're still in the early stages of therapy. Do you think you could give it a bit longer? It might help more thank you think.

[terrified heart]

Thanks both xx

I've expressed to psych that these ADs don't really help, but because I haven't tried to kill myself since the dose was increased last Nov he thinks they are doing a great job. He seems very reluctant to change them. I could ask for another appointment with him to discuss it again. The APs are working in that I haven't been psychotic since being on them, but maybe they aren't helping my mood.

The psychologist stuff is really difficult. We have to talk about some really painful things and then when the hour is up I can't get them out of my head and it makes me feel sad/scared/hopeless/suicidal. I've told my CPN and the psychologist this, but they say to keep on with it and that it can make you worse before you get better but that it will be worth it. I don't know.

Still thinking about ringing crisis. Might help to talk some of this through? I just don't see what they can do. And I worry if I express suicidal thoughts I will be put in hospital and I really can't have that happen.

[terrified heart]

Just spoke to crisis for half hour. Was a nurse I've met a few times and get on well with. Can't say it has changed how I feel, but I guess it helped to talk it through. Spoke a lot about suicide. He said people would never get over it, and that it would cause so many people pain. But I'm in pain. Why do I have to be in pain?

He said he is really concerned, but glad I rang. Has encouraged me to go to cmht tomorrow to see duty worker. Will see about that in the morning. Also said I could take an extra Valium tonight.

Just feel so so unhappy 

[Lily Kym]

Oh hun well done for calling crisis. that was really brave

how are you feeling this morning? xx xx will you see duty worker at cmht ? xx xx xx

[terrified heart]

Didnt see duty worker could.t get myself up on time.

At work now just about to start. Only a 4 hr shift but really dont want to be here. Want to go home.

Might phone crisis again later.
Xx

[terrified heart]

Survived work. Was hard but ok.

Feeling so low again this evening, so unhappy. Really hope I can sleep tonight, don't think I'll be very safe if I cant sleep. Will phone crisis again, but don't want to get on their nerves.

Support worker rang 3 times while I was at work and left me a message to ring her back. Didn't see my phone until 6pm though so was too late to phone back. Dont know what she wanted. Very worried about the weekend, no cmht for 2 days now and my mum is going abroad tomorrow morning so I'll be totally alone. Worried.

Still want to die but know I can't, and it's putting me in a horrid place.

[Terrier]

Sorry you are having such a hard time, hope you stay safe.