bad thoughts *trig Sui*

[Lily Kym]

I'm sorry that i missed your bithday hun very belated happy birthday to you

how are you feeling today?

[terrified heart]

Thanks Lily Kym 

Took the lower dose of the clopixal last night and still slept well, so that is good. Struggled to get up this morning, am supposed to be getting up early to stick to a routine. Just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. Had work this afternoon so had to get up, wasn't looking forward to work. It went ok in the end though.

Got work tomorrow morning and Saturday. Going to the cinema with a friend on sat evening.

Not doing too bad today, thanks for asking xx

[terrified heart]

So...

Things been ok today, work was fine. Found it really hard to get up this morning though, was in tears at the thought of getting out of bed. Thought of calling in sick to work, but could face that less than I could face getting up. So I got up and went to work.

Flooded with painful memories this evening. Triggering some nasty thoughts. Don't know how to cope with these thoughts. I would have in the past SH to cope with them, but I'm trying not to do that anymore. It's not really SH thoughts I'm struggling with, well it is in a way I guess. It's OD and Sui thoughts.

Things are basically ok right now, but I'm still getting thoughts and urges to run away and end my life.

[Lily Kym]

 

[Jewel]

sorry your struggling with bad thoughts hun xx

how you feeling this morning?  did you manage to get any sleep? xx

[Terrier]

 

 

[terrified heart]

Thank you all for being so kind  Sorry it's taken me a while to reply.

I'm doing ok. Sleep is much much better, but waking up and getting up are still very difficult. Better than not sleeping though. I guess I'm just a very lazy person naturally. Can't blame that on MH or meds stuff, it's just who I am. Will be hard to break the habits of a lifetime.

Talking about breaking bad habits, I am really struggling with eating too much. I have a lot of weight to lose (not in an ed way, in a factual way). Im disgusted with my body. I just have no willpower when it comes to eating. I did lose weight at slimming world last year, but lost motivation and stopped going.

Worrying about the psychologist appointment tomorrow. I know it's supposed to be helpful, and that it is natural to find it hard. It just brings up so many bad memories and thoughts. It's a struggle for days after the appointments.

Sorry to come back and winge on so much xx

[Terrier]

Don't think you are whinging, but if you want to and it helps feel free.

Glad you are sleeping better, that should make things feel better. Don't worry about finding it hard to get up, just need to get into the habit.

Hope appointment  goes well tomorrow and its not too hard to get over.

 

[terrified heart]

Feeling really wired tonight. Mind going 100mph, crazy thoughts. Been drawing up charts again, trying to find answers. Feeling really worried about the fact that televisions are bugged. I know they can tell what program you are watching, but what else can they tell and who has access to the information? I don't suppose it matters, I have nothing to hide. But then even innocent people get things turned against them don't they?

Have taken a valium and the clopixal so hopefully will settle soon.

Going to need to cope without medication if I go back to uni. Won't be able to manage with these drugs inside me dulling down my brain. The AD is probably ok, I had them when I did my BSc, but the AP I need to learn to be ok without it. It turns my brain to mush. An MSc will be hard enough as it is, I'll need all the brain power I can muster if I'm going to succeed. Maybe the psychology will help me to cope without APs??

Hope every one is ok. Sorry I've not been replying on other peoples posts, just worried of saying the wrong thing, or not being able to think of what to say. I am thinking of you all though and wishing you the best. 
Xx

[terrified heart]

Been doing charts for a few hours and made some discoveries. One that I already knew, but on a bigger level and a few that were news to me. Need to talk it through with psychologist.

Started freaking me out though, too much to think about. Have taken another Valium. Seriously thinking of SH or ODing, just for some peace. Thoughts too intense. Can't SH because of the swimming, still another 9 weeks to go, can't have visible fresh scars. Could OD maybe, but don't think I have enough pills to knock me out for long enough

Trying to calm myself down. Got a decaff tea. Might listen to relaxation cd.

I need to calm down.