bad thoughts *trig Sui*

[Patient Pianist]

morning
how are you doing this morning?
  xx

[terrified heart]

Thank you for asking and thanks for the hug 

Today been really hard and I'm feeling really vulnerable and at risk. Psychology appointment was so hard. Trying to find answers and everyone just seems to want to shut me up. Told him if I can't find answers soon then I don't want to carry on and I would like to die. He said I need to learn to accept there are no answers, but I cant accept that. It would mean life isn't worth living.

I really don't think I can do this any more. I just want to give up and die now. Its all too hard, to painful and too tiring.

I desperately want to SH but can't risk anyone seeing fresh scars, and with swimming every Monday it would be too hard to hide any.

[Jewel]

aw hun so sorry your struggling so much today and you found the appointment really hard...

what are you trying to find answers too hun?

what are your plans for tonight? can you maybe ask someone to come over and keep you company? xxx

[greenday]

hay im just back hoe r u today

[Terrier]

Sorry things are hard right now. Don't really know what to say but hope tomorrow is a bit easier. 

 

[terrified heart]

Sorry for rambling so much. I know my posts are confusing, my head is confusing too.

BG, can't really say what it is I'm searching for answers to, I can't find a coherent way of expressing it, and I just make myself look crazy when I do. I'm not crazy, I'm really not  I'm just confused, puzzled, frustrated and scared.

Just had a really long appointment with CPN. Have cried loads. Told her I was thinking of not seeing psychologist again. She said I should try to stick with it. Apparently he is really in demand and his waiting list is 2 years, but I only waited a few months. Asked why it was so quick and she said they pushed it through as they feel I'm at real risk of dying from suicide  It's hard to hear. I do feel at risk of killing myself sometimes. CPN said they are worried because I did not reach out for help in November and was 100% certain I wanted to die so didn't want to be stopped. She said because I was acting fine just before I didn't they now have to tread carefully so as not to push me over the edge.

Only slept for 2 hours last night, because I was too distressed by my thoughts to settle. Have a GP appointment on Thursday to ask for some more Valium, and going to ask for the dose to be increased as I'm really not coping at the moment?

Can't stop crying. Feel so vulnerable.

[terrified heart]

Feeling really at risk tonight. Am desperate to SH, but at the same time desperate not to. Suicide seeming like an attractive option.

Considering ringing HTT, CPN told me today to ring if I'm struggling. Just don't know what I'd say to them. Not great at expressing my thoughts.

Feeling really alone and sad.

[Terrier]

Hi Hun, sorry things are too good right now; sounds like there's lots going on.

Think you should ring HTT if you can. Could just start by telling them about appointment with cpn earlier today and take it form there.

Hope you stay safe. 

 

[Broken Wings]

I agree with terrier hun,ring them let someone help you,I hear your pain,just wish I could do more hope you stay safe hugs xx

[terrified heart]

Thank you for hugs, really appreciated right now.

I rang HTT, but lady on the phone said I need to be referred to them for them to take my call. That hasn't happened in the past. She said I need to ring crisis/assessment team. I know it is not a big deal, it's just another number to dial, but right now I can't cope with it all. Idiot.

Am crying again. Have a small collection of pills and debating taking all of them. I'm supposed to be being 'mindful' and not swinging from obsessing over thoughts to wanting to block then out entirely. I've no idea how that is possible though.

I wish my SW was around. She isn't back until Sept.

I don't think I can do this.