Slipping away... *triggering*

[Mimi]

 :trig:
Struggling. It's my grandma's birthday today. I miss her so much, it's still like there's a giant chunk missing from my heart. I feel so sick and guilty. It should have been me who died. I have dreams that I could go to her grave, tell her about my day, talk about painting... But they had her cremated. There is no grave. I guess I just want some way to hold on to her.
So I've been clawing at my hand all day. It's all raw and hurts like a b****. Everything had mostly healed until now - and I've just slipped right back down again. The scratches aren't enough. I need the deep cuts. The ones that give you that dull ache and all the emotional pain goes away for a minute. The ones that take weeks to heal and leave that beautiful wide scar.
But what I really want is to stop caring. To cut too deep and not give a s***. Take an overdose and not have to worry about the concequences. I just want to make it all go away.
All the motivation is slipping away from me and I'm really scared.  :help:

[chaoticme]

aww darling... i dont know what to say, but keep trying and im thinking of you, i know it probably wont help, but just wanted to let you know that people care and your not alone.
how are you feeling today?
 

[angeldevil123]

have you tried talking to someone how you feel just open up to friend, parents, family member or even on the board and have you tried letting your frustrations out somewhere else like the gym, pillows etc.
Remember you always have a shoulder to cry on.

[Mimi]

Feeling a bit better thanks - just really unstable. I'm too scared to talk to people at the moment, but I'll try some of the other stuff.
Thanks for replying, it means a lot. Hope you guys are doing okay 

[angeldevil123]

it will be okay mimi things will get better for you just give it time