I'm sorry for posting again after locking the last thread
I feel like such a bad person though, here and in RL. I lie so much. I lied to fella tonight, I worked late but could easily have driven back. Instead I made excuses, more work, headache, tiredness, cr*ppy day, and stayed here. He said, as a *joke* 'you don't need to lie you know, if you can only cope with me 6 days a week just say so!' I want to be there, be with him and with boys, but the idea of time alone, space, not being 'responsible', 'capable', 'fine', is so tempting, and I gave in to that. The knowledge that it gives space for SH and restriction adds to it as well. Fella was so lovely on the phone, I feel sucha sh1t.
Other sh1ttyness includes:
my dad fixing my fence - I feel so selfish for all he's doing, so guilty for letting him, so guilty for feeling so happy that he is.
lying to my mum, she doesn't want to hear he even exists
b****ing about colleague, moaning about cr*p, when her hubby is so poorly
being so behind at work
being too lazy to get my *ss into gear and catch up
wanting ED woman to get back to work so she can be my prop, no matter what is happening for her
wanting/dreading further gp appts
being so greedy, so revolting, so horrible
talking rubbish here then locking
being so dcking needy
I'm doing ok. Compared to a couple of years ago things are so different, I'd never have believed it if someone had told me it'd be this way. So why do those things keep replaying in my mind? Why do I still want it? Why does the idea of a night alone with tools win compared to a night with my fella?
Because I am a btch.