The NSHN Forum


Back to NSHN Mainsite   
News: Privacy - if you don't want your email address seen on your posts on the public boards, please remember to tick the 'hide email address' box in your profile.
 
*
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register. November 27, 2014, 11:41:48 AM


Login with username, password and session length

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 7   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Bad person *sh ed*  (Read 2745 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
mirrhi
18+
Usually here
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 4861



« on: April 03, 2012, 08:32:54 PM »

I'm sorry for posting again after locking the  last thread  blushing

I feel like such a bad person though, here and in RL.  I lie so much.  I lied to fella tonight, I worked late but could easily have driven back.  Instead I made excuses, more work, headache, tiredness, cr*ppy day, and stayed here.  He said, as a *joke* 'you don't need to lie you know, if you can only cope with me 6 days a week just say so!'  I want to be there, be with him and with boys, but the idea of time alone, space, not being 'responsible', 'capable', 'fine', is so tempting, and I gave in to that.  The knowledge that it gives space for SH and restriction adds to it as well.  Fella was so lovely on the phone, I feel sucha  sh1t.

Other sh1ttyness includes:
my dad fixing my fence - I feel so selfish for all he's doing, so guilty for letting him, so guilty for feeling so happy that he is.
lying to my mum, she doesn't want to hear he even exists
b****ing about colleague, moaning about cr*p, when her hubby is so poorly
being so behind at work
being too lazy to get my *ss into gear and catch up
wanting ED woman to get back to work so she can be my prop, no matter what is happening for her
wanting/dreading further gp appts
being so greedy, so revolting, so horrible
talking rubbish here then locking
being so dcking needy




I'm doing ok.  Compared to a couple of years ago things are so different, I'd never have believed it if someone had told me it'd be this way.  So why do those things keep replaying in my mind?  Why do I still want it?  Why does the idea of a night alone with tools win compared to a night with my fella?



Because I am a btch.
Logged

I guess it's funnier from where you're standing, Cause from over here I missed the joke
Clear the way for my crash landing, I've done it again, another number for your notes
I'll be your clown, behind the glass
Go 'head and laugh, cause it's funny
I would too if I saw me...
Lily Kym
18+
Always here
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 11011



« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2012, 08:53:21 PM »

I've read, re-read and read again your thread.

No where in there can I see that:-

a) you're a b**** (you're not)
b) you're a bad person (you're not)
c) you're a liar (you're not, no more than 99.5% of the rest of the population)

littlehug1  littlehug2 littlehug2 littlehug2 littlehug1

I lied to fella tonight, I worked late but could easily have driven back.
You are allowed "alone" time. There is no reason why you should feel bad about this. a little white lie is all this was lovely.

my dad fixing my fence - I feel so selfish for all he's doing, so guilty for letting him, so guilty for feeling so happy that he is.
I should imagine if he's like most dads, he's actually glad you've asked him / glad to be doing it. Even if he moans a little like dads do ...

lying to my mum, she doesn't want to hear he even exists
  I dont know what this means, but if it is that she doesn't want to hear anything said about your dad, you can't help that. your dad is after all , your dad  

 b****ing about colleague, moaning about cr*p, when her hubby is so poorly
being so behind at work everyone gets behind hun - you need some time out maybe so you get your drive back?

being too lazy to get my *ss into gear and catch up
 see above ..

wanting ED woman to get back to work so she can be my prop, no matter what is happening for her
this is perfectly natural hun. you need her and the help she gives you/support she gives you. dont feel bad for needing her

wanting/dreading further gp appts 
it's good you realise you need help, but dreading them is normal too.        

being so greedy, so revolting, so horrible
 no no and no. you're lovely.

 talking rubbish here then locking 
so what? lots of people do this hun    

being so dcking needy     
littlehug2 littlehug2 littlehug2
Logged
mirrhi
18+
Usually here
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 4861



« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2012, 09:18:52 PM »

I can't believe the time and thought put into your reply, it made me cry because it's so so kind.

I lied to fella tonight, I worked late but could easily have driven back.
You are allowed "alone" time. There is no reason why you should feel bad about this. a little white lie is all this was lovely.
I've done it too much though, too many white lies.

my dad fixing my fence - I feel so selfish for all he's doing, so guilty for letting him, so guilty for feeling so happy that he is.
I should imagine if he's like most dads, he's actually glad you've asked him / glad to be doing it. Even if he moans a little like dads do ...
He is I guess.  I don't know.  I don't know what it's like, I was 15 when he left and rejected him for 17 years.  Now we;re in touch I'm so scared that he'll think I just want contact for him to be a 'handyman'

lying to my mum, she doesn't want to hear he even exists
  I dont know what this means, but if it is that she doesn't want to hear anything said about your dad, you can't help that. your dad is after all , your dad  
See above. 

 b****ing about colleague, moaning about cr*p, when her hubby is so poorly
being so behind at work everyone gets behind hun - you need some time out maybe so you get your drive back?
That's not an option, I don't need it anyway.  Compared to before things are fantastic and I didn't need time off then.

being too lazy to get my *ss into gear and catch up
 see above ..

wanting ED woman to get back to work so she can be my prop, no matter what is happening for her
this is perfectly natural hun. you need her and the help she gives you/support she gives you. dont feel bad for needing her

wanting/dreading further gp appts 
it's good you realise you need help, but dreading them is normal too.        

being so greedy, so revolting, so horrible
 no no and no. you're lovely.
I repulse myself, what I'm eating, how weak I am, how selfish.  Totally missed my friend's birthday cos i was too self obsessed.

 talking rubbish here then locking 
so what? lots of people do this hun    
But people have genuine reasons

being so dcking needy     
littlehug2 littlehug2 littlehug2

[/quote]
Logged

I guess it's funnier from where you're standing, Cause from over here I missed the joke
Clear the way for my crash landing, I've done it again, another number for your notes
I'll be your clown, behind the glass
Go 'head and laugh, cause it's funny
I would too if I saw me...
Lily Kym
18+
Always here
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 11011



« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2012, 09:32:30 PM »

littlehug1 littlehug2
re: your dad. he will not feel like a handyman. deep down he'll be over the moon to be helping. i dont really have a good relationship with my dad. i phone him the other day for some advice and he was so happy that i'd asked him. i know it's not the same, but it's how things are. most dads need to feel that they are needed like that. (ever if they're not). so you are actually doing him a favour.

when my mum was ill, i used to relish hearing about other peoples problems as it distracted me from my own. life is all about distraction hun. you "moan" to your work colleauge, but she needs that. she doesn't want to spend 24/7 caring for her hubby, or talking about him. so a break is what she gets with you. sounds harsh seeing it in black and white, sorry. i know what i mean in my head.

your friend will have other birthdays, and you'll still be able to see her. littlehug1

please please please just have some time out tonight, to be kind to yourself. please? littlehug1 littlehug2
Logged
justine
18+
Usually here
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 2532



« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2012, 09:32:50 PM »

I can't believe the time and thought put into your reply, it made me cry because it's so so kind.

I lied to fella tonight, I worked late but could easily have driven back.
You are allowed "alone" time. There is no reason why you should feel bad about this. a little white lie is all this was lovely.
I've done it too much though, too many white lies.

Are you lying because you are a bad person, or because sometimes you find life tough, and perhaps find it hard to tell the truth?

my dad fixing my fence - I feel so selfish for all he's doing, so guilty for letting him, so guilty for feeling so happy that he is.
I should imagine if he's like most dads, he's actually glad you've asked him / glad to be doing it. Even if he moans a little like dads do ...
He is I guess.  I don't know.  I don't know what it's like, I was 15 when he left and rejected him for 17 years.  Now we;re in touch I'm so scared that he'll think I just want contact for him to be a 'handyman'

Perhaps he feels the same as you. Perhaps he wants to spend time with you, but doesn't know what to do, so by fixing your fence he has an excuse to come round and see you

lying to my mum, she doesn't want to hear he even exists
  I dont know what this means, but if it is that she doesn't want to hear anything said about your dad, you can't help that. your dad is after all , your dad  
See above.  

 b****ing about colleague, moaning about cr*p, when her hubby is so poorly
being so behind at work everyone gets behind hun - you need some time out maybe so you get your drive back?
That's not an option, I don't need it anyway.  Compared to before things are fantastic and I didn't need time off then.


Just because things are better now than before, doesn't mean you don't need time off. It's not a scale of good and bad and support needed. It changes as time goes on

being too lazy to get my *ss into gear and catch up
 see above ..

are you lazy? or struggling and tired

wanting ED woman to get back to work so she can be my prop, no matter what is happening for her
this is perfectly natural hun. you need her and the help she gives you/support she gives you. dont feel bad for needing her

wanting/dreading further gp appts  
it's good you realise you need help, but dreading them is normal too.      

being so greedy, so revolting, so horrible
 no no and no. you're lovely.
I repulse myself, what I'm eating, how weak I am, how selfish.  Totally missed my friend's birthday cos i was too self obsessed.

Are you weak and selfish? Or do you just have low self esteem which makes you think you are?

 talking rubbish here then locking  
so what? lots of people do this hun    
But people have genuine reasons

And what makes you think your isn't genuine?
I'm certainly happy to listen to you and help you. And as for talking rubbish, what does it matter? Your stil letting it out and that's a good thing
being so dcking needy

everyone is "needy" sometimes. Everyone needs support in their lives, even those without mental health issues    
littlehug2 littlehug2 littlehug2

[/quote]
Logged

If you feel like life is a dark, worthless place, please know that you have just fallen down a hole and that impossible as it seems, you can climb out again, and see that life is really a beautiful place to be

http://www.nshn.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=74073.msg1702918#new
mirrhi
18+
Usually here
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 4861



« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2012, 09:40:41 PM »

Dck you, why do you all keep making me cry tonight???
Logged

I guess it's funnier from where you're standing, Cause from over here I missed the joke
Clear the way for my crash landing, I've done it again, another number for your notes
I'll be your clown, behind the glass
Go 'head and laugh, cause it's funny
I would too if I saw me...
justine
18+
Usually here
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 2532



« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2012, 09:58:13 PM »

Because we do care about you, and we're here to listen to you and support you. Your not half as bad a person as you think you are. That's just what low self esteem does to you x x x

Sometimes life dumps crap on us and makes us do/say/think/feel things we don't like or cause us pain. That doesn't make you a bad person at all. Nobodies bad really, just misunderstood and confused

 big hug big hug big hug big hug big hug
Logged

If you feel like life is a dark, worthless place, please know that you have just fallen down a hole and that impossible as it seems, you can climb out again, and see that life is really a beautiful place to be

http://www.nshn.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=74073.msg1702918#new
mirrhi
18+
Usually here
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 4861



« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2012, 11:54:21 PM »

Because we do care about you, and we're here to listen to you and support you. Your not half as bad a person as you think you are. That's just what low self esteem does to you x x x

Sometimes life dumps crap on us and makes us do/say/think/feel things we don't like or cause us pain. That doesn't make you a bad person at all. Nobodies bad really, just misunderstood and confused

 big hug big hug big hug big hug big hug
I don't deserve your care.

Really life is not dumping crap on me, it's just reality, day to day reality.  I just need to learn to be ok
Logged

I guess it's funnier from where you're standing, Cause from over here I missed the joke
Clear the way for my crash landing, I've done it again, another number for your notes
I'll be your clown, behind the glass
Go 'head and laugh, cause it's funny
I would too if I saw me...
Terri
Smurf
NSHN Moderator
Always here
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 14473


Redemption.


« Reply #8 on: April 04, 2012, 12:01:35 AM »

Day to day reality is hard though, hon. It is. Especially so if there's low self esteem/MH stuff going on as well - that makes it extra tough.


I guess part of being OK is learning to be, but the lessons of life aren't like maths tutorials (I found them hard enough!), and it's not easy to grasp what's being taught. It can take lots of time and a bit of trial and error before we work out what works for us - what makes us and keeps us OK. Cut yourself some slack. You've made huge changes recently and you're coping really well with them. You should be proud of yourself, not belittling yourself and your achievements.
Logged

   superman
Super Terri!


And hope and grace were all I needed.


This isn't everything you are.
justine
18+
Usually here
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 2532



« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2012, 12:41:07 PM »

I agree with Terri. And yes you do deserve my care. Just because your self esteem makes you belief you are not worth it, I belive you are, and I'm sticking here to support you  Wink

Logged

If you feel like life is a dark, worthless place, please know that you have just fallen down a hole and that impossible as it seems, you can climb out again, and see that life is really a beautiful place to be

http://www.nshn.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=74073.msg1702918#new
Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 7   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.20 | SMF © 2013, Simple Machines

Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS! Dilber MC Theme by HarzeM