Why can I not stop struggling at the moment. I hate how fricken incapable I am of doing the simplest things. I can be intelligent, I have delivered many babies very safely, with women trusting me completely in some very difficult situations, I have 2 amazing children (must have done something right), my husband is still with me after 19 years and clearly loves me, I should be ok. All these things that I have now are so much more important than any abuse or bad experiences I have had in the past, why can I not just accept that, enjoy it and move the f*** on? What keeps me stuck in this horrible place of self hatred and destruction? How do you find the answer and do something about it? I am feeling angry, lost, frustrated and so hateful of myself. I have so much, yet I am such a horrible evil person.