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NSHN is a support site, a safe environment to help each other  understand the mechanisms resulting in self harm and cope with it and related problems. With this objective in mind, NSHN hopes to reduce the incidence and severity of any form of self harm and improve general awareness throughout the community.
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Author Topic: A new level. *sh  (Read 6617 times)
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babylady
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« Reply #160 on: May 10, 2012, 07:18:03 PM »

Thank you.
I am just so fecking tired of feeling so fecking tired all the time.
When I had a supprt session with 2 staff yesterday morning, one of them listed all my curent struggles. It was a b***** long list and made it sound more overwhelming tan I was already thinking, hence why I broke after the situation in the afternoon.
I don't want to be this patheticperson that I am, but I cn't seem to help myself. Rock>me<Hard place.
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babylady
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« Reply #161 on: May 11, 2012, 11:24:32 AM »

Despite not going to centre today, I still got myself up and went into town with my dad.  I weighed this morning on new scales I bought yesterday. When I was in the EDU we were always weighed 1st thing in PJs, before eating a thing.  It was nice to be able to weigh like that again and results were not as hideous as I thought.  I also got small notebook today so can record all weights and calories intake and I feel so much more in control.  Also got some more laxatives which I know is not a positive move, but I feel if I have to start facing things,, then I need to start with the security that I have spaceto have a bad day.
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Lily Kym
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« Reply #162 on: May 11, 2012, 12:30:04 PM »

 littlehug2 littlehug2 littlehug2 littlehug2
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babylady
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« Reply #163 on: May 11, 2012, 04:46:54 PM »

Why can I not stop struggling at the moment.  I hate how fricken incapable I am of doing the simplest things. I can be intelligent, I have delivered many babies very safely, with women trusting me completely in some very difficult situations, I have 2 amazing children (must have done something right), my husband is still with me after 19 years and clearly loves me, I should be ok.  All these things that I have now are so much more important than any abuse or bad experiences I have had in the past, why can I not just accept that, enjoy it and move the f*** on?  What keeps me stuck in this horrible place of self hatred and destruction?  How do you find the answer and do something about it?  I am feeling angry, lost, frustrated and so hateful of myself.  I have so much, yet I am such a horrible evil person.
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babylady
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« Reply #164 on: May 11, 2012, 11:13:57 PM »

Had a weird afternoon. My daughter is home for the weekend as was at first engaging then when we were home totally dissmisive which I find so hurtful, ultimately, she is nearly 13 and exhausted from a very demanding school life and I get that she just needs time to herself, so I know I am being over sensitive and selfish. My husband did have a chat with her and we went out to dinner where both children were delightful. The menu was new though and there was no longer a light options section with the calories on which I found really hard.
My husband is very stressed with money and work stuff and I know I make it worse and it just snowballs do the whole weekend is going to be a bed of eggshells I just wish I could sleep through it.
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Patient Pianist
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« Reply #165 on: May 12, 2012, 01:36:52 AM »

 littlehug1
keep talking hun.  i know where you're coming from but you dont need to be so harsh with yourself.  you deserve to give yourself so much more credit. xx
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babylady
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« Reply #166 on: May 12, 2012, 01:29:15 PM »

slightly scary moment this morning, went test my blood ketones and it just came up as 'hi'. Never happened before, I know the range for my blood glucose sticks,but not the upper limit for the ketones.  I did have some meds and it is now readable, so I know where I am but not where I was.
I have text my diabetes specialist nurse.
The weather is stunning today, yes I am still huddled at my ed of the sofa, not yet dressed. Going to climb into a bath to see if I can get moving.
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babylady
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« Reply #167 on: May 12, 2012, 07:27:02 PM »

I just feel immeasurably sad today, it's all consuming. Have had a lot of communication with diabetes nurse and am seeing her tuesday
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babylady
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« Reply #168 on: May 12, 2012, 10:54:20 PM »

Struggled all evening with panicky feelings. I really feel like I'm about to break into a million pieces. Not sure what the night and morning will bring. This morning was bad and I think its going to be worse. I have felt like I have needed to escape, that wearing this ok mask for my family is actually suffocating me. They are so good which only means I must be bad. To the core. I want to give up now. No more energy for fighting. Sorry.
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babylady
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« Reply #169 on: May 12, 2012, 11:55:04 PM »

Inkeep trying to tely to threads byt its not really working. I need to ro mote to hrlp otbegpeoplem.u
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