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Author Topic: A new level. *sh  (Read 6767 times)
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babylady
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« Reply #160 on: May 10, 2012, 07:18:03 PM »

Thank you.
I am just so fecking tired of feeling so fecking tired all the time.
When I had a supprt session with 2 staff yesterday morning, one of them listed all my curent struggles. It was a b***** long list and made it sound more overwhelming tan I was already thinking, hence why I broke after the situation in the afternoon.
I don't want to be this patheticperson that I am, but I cn't seem to help myself. Rock>me<Hard place.
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babylady
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« Reply #161 on: May 11, 2012, 11:24:32 AM »

Despite not going to centre today, I still got myself up and went into town with my dad.  I weighed this morning on new scales I bought yesterday. When I was in the EDU we were always weighed 1st thing in PJs, before eating a thing.  It was nice to be able to weigh like that again and results were not as hideous as I thought.  I also got small notebook today so can record all weights and calories intake and I feel so much more in control.  Also got some more laxatives which I know is not a positive move, but I feel if I have to start facing things,, then I need to start with the security that I have spaceto have a bad day.
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Lily Kym
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« Reply #162 on: May 11, 2012, 12:30:04 PM »

 littlehug2 littlehug2 littlehug2 littlehug2
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babylady
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« Reply #163 on: May 11, 2012, 04:46:54 PM »

Why can I not stop struggling at the moment.  I hate how fricken incapable I am of doing the simplest things. I can be intelligent, I have delivered many babies very safely, with women trusting me completely in some very difficult situations, I have 2 amazing children (must have done something right), my husband is still with me after 19 years and clearly loves me, I should be ok.  All these things that I have now are so much more important than any abuse or bad experiences I have had in the past, why can I not just accept that, enjoy it and move the f*** on?  What keeps me stuck in this horrible place of self hatred and destruction?  How do you find the answer and do something about it?  I am feeling angry, lost, frustrated and so hateful of myself.  I have so much, yet I am such a horrible evil person.
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babylady
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« Reply #164 on: May 11, 2012, 11:13:57 PM »

Had a weird afternoon. My daughter is home for the weekend as was at first engaging then when we were home totally dissmisive which I find so hurtful, ultimately, she is nearly 13 and exhausted from a very demanding school life and I get that she just needs time to herself, so I know I am being over sensitive and selfish. My husband did have a chat with her and we went out to dinner where both children were delightful. The menu was new though and there was no longer a light options section with the calories on which I found really hard.
My husband is very stressed with money and work stuff and I know I make it worse and it just snowballs do the whole weekend is going to be a bed of eggshells I just wish I could sleep through it.
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Patient Pianist
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« Reply #165 on: May 12, 2012, 01:36:52 AM »

 littlehug1
keep talking hun.  i know where you're coming from but you dont need to be so harsh with yourself.  you deserve to give yourself so much more credit. xx
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babylady
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« Reply #166 on: May 12, 2012, 01:29:15 PM »

slightly scary moment this morning, went test my blood ketones and it just came up as 'hi'. Never happened before, I know the range for my blood glucose sticks,but not the upper limit for the ketones.  I did have some meds and it is now readable, so I know where I am but not where I was.
I have text my diabetes specialist nurse.
The weather is stunning today, yes I am still huddled at my ed of the sofa, not yet dressed. Going to climb into a bath to see if I can get moving.
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babylady
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« Reply #167 on: May 12, 2012, 07:27:02 PM »

I just feel immeasurably sad today, it's all consuming. Have had a lot of communication with diabetes nurse and am seeing her tuesday
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babylady
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« Reply #168 on: May 12, 2012, 10:54:20 PM »

Struggled all evening with panicky feelings. I really feel like I'm about to break into a million pieces. Not sure what the night and morning will bring. This morning was bad and I think its going to be worse. I have felt like I have needed to escape, that wearing this ok mask for my family is actually suffocating me. They are so good which only means I must be bad. To the core. I want to give up now. No more energy for fighting. Sorry.
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babylady
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« Reply #169 on: May 12, 2012, 11:55:04 PM »

Inkeep trying to tely to threads byt its not really working. I need to ro mote to hrlp otbegpeoplem.u
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