Thanks everyone, your replies really mean a lot
Am trying to focus on the positive stuff, without overloading myself.
Had a lovely day out yesterday, despite the rain. Went to a gorgeous dingle, all leafy and zingy green and the water rushing down the bursting stream was making the best sounds. We found a few of the early season craneflies we were looking for which is always nice, and the place where we had lunch is gorgeous. The friend I was with lost his Mum to cancer a year ago in a few weeks time. We've been sort of propping each other up during that time, and I have found I can strart to open up a bit, although he doesn't know about my sh. When his Mum passed away I obviously offered to do anything I could to help. The thing he found most helpful was that having lost my dad when I was very young was that I understood that sometimes you just want to be with someone, not talking, not trying to actively take your mind off something, not anything really, just being but not feeling alone. Over the year we've spent a fair amount of time just drinking tea and watching the world. While I've been in this depressive episode he's returned the favour and just typing this has made me realise just how incredibly lucky I am for that.
Jeep I think you're totally right. I love people, I really do they're amazing - just look at all you incredible folks on here. But sometimes I find them too much. It's stressful and can be tense and difficult, and modern life can bring quite a lot of pressure. In the countryside I feel like the pressure goes, and I can just be 'natural' me, and I feel more connected. It gives me a real boost. Glad you can get that benefit too
Hope everyone has a lovely day xx