How deep does it have to be? TRIG SH

[PrettyLittleLie]

Dragonfly, sorry things aren't great. Please know that while you wait for cbt we will always be here to support you. I know how unsupported you can feel when waiting, but just keep thinking it will be worth the wait and it may come quicker than you think. Just because you don't ask for help doesn't mean you don't deserve it. Lots of people find it hard to ask for help- doesn't make them any less worthy of it.

I get the male friend thing- i have had similar experiences but for them to like you like that they must really like and care about you first. Sometimes people can surprise you on how supportive they can be. Im sorry you don't feel loved unconditionally.. You deserve to be <3

You are not pathetic in the slightest. Stay strong and keep posting. Hugs.

[Dragonfly]

Thanks PrettyLL,

You're very kind. Couldn't get table - place won't sell to public but she suggested another place, but the'r in Dorset (I'm in Shropshire!) but my brother's down south so hopefully I can sort something.

Had to phone my boss to say I'll be off for another two weeks  hate having to do that. He's very noce. bit of a numpty at times, but okay to talk to. Obviously the only thing he knows is I'm off with depression. No one at works knows about my sh.

  Caved in and harmed this afternoon  only a little bit, but am getting deeper than before 

Patched up and went to my fav place for a walk. There's a special tree there (yes, I'm a tree-hugger!). It has this big lumpy bit at the bottom of the trunk which is perfect for sitting on. i feel all cradled and when I sit long enough the birds and squirrels are not frightened and they come really close - a robin sat on the lumpy bit with me for about 20 seconds!! Anyway, it's the place I feel most at home and most unconditionally loved by the world around me. Tree is a beautiful tall oak and has these two low branches that come out and look like arms inviting you for a hug. Is so lovely.

Watched and listened to the rain on the river too.

Got a couple of stinging nettle stings. This may sound wierd, but I love that feeling. The tool they release is supposed to be good for you too, apparently?!? Cos I'm outdoorsy I've been stung so much in my time I don't react to them much.

Well that's all random and rambly. 
 

[Rob]

Try not to go deeper if you can help it.

Patched up and went to my fav place for a walk. There's a special tree there (yes, I'm a tree-hugger!). It has this big lumpy bit at the bottom of the trunk which is perfect for sitting on. i feel all cradled and when I sit long enough the birds and squirrels are not frightened and they come really close - a robin sat on the lumpy bit with me for about 20 seconds!! Anyway, it's the place I feel most at home and most unconditionally loved by the world around me. Tree is a beautiful tall oak and has these two low branches that come out and look like arms inviting you for a hug. Is so lovely.

Watched and listened to the rain on the river too.

Got a couple of stinging nettle stings. This may sound wierd, but I love that feeling. The tool they release is supposed to be good for you too, apparently?!? Cos I'm outdoorsy I've been stung so much in my time I don't react to them much.

Well that's all random and rambly. 
 

That was actually quite nice to read - even though the nettle bit was definately weird 

[Dragonfly]

Thanks Rob, (for the nice bit)

Yeah getting outdoors is the best thing I can do for myself, I don't even mind if it's raining. But sometimes it's like I'm stuck to the sofa or my bed, or like my house is filled with treacle and i can't get out.

Are you a closet tree-hugger Rob?!

[Rob]

hehe - I'm not a tree hugger, but I am guilty of planting about a dozen of them over the past few years! There were some pretty big ones in Scotland last year - we saw a giant sequoia with bushy tailed red squiggles feeding around the base.

[Dragonfly]

That's awesome.

Only grey squirrells here. I know they're the 'wrong' species, but they're still cute and amazingly agile. I was watching one hang upside down from it's back paws while using it's front paws to reach to the end of the branch and pull it in to get food and then was just hanging there eating! How do they swallow upside down?!

You should hug a tree - it's really very lovely, and good for connectedness. I'd recommend one that's warmed from the sun for a beginner - takes dedication to hug a slimey old wet one 

Okay, am gonna take my happy tree thoughts to bed... night night.

Thanks for replying

[PrettyLittleLie]

Sorry you harmed lovely. Maybe next time try going for the walk first? I am a bit of a tree hugger too so I know what you mean.
Hope things improve soon lovely and try not to go deeper. Thinking of you. Hugs

[Dragonfly]

Thanks for replying PLL.

Will def try the walk first  Usually I do, but I just got so stuck and miserable and cross and frustrated and hmph yesterday that I couldn't get out; I had to feel calmer so I could drive safely. Excuses I know.

Yaay for tree-hugging 

[Jeep]

Hi dragonfly, how r things?

The walk at 05:30 this morning made me think how were you doing. Squirrels and birds going about there business, unfortunately I didn't get to stop and watch, just kept on walking.

 

[Dragonfly]

Hello Jepp,

thanks for thinking of me and asking how I am 

Walking at 5:30am!! Lovely time to be out in the world, although thinking maybe you weren't overly enjoying yourself? Birds are very busy singing at that time aren't they?

I'm doing a little better thanks. Haven't harmed again, and hidden tool away. Thinking about getting rid of it completely.

Cancelled the follow-up appointment with the chap I didn't get on with. I just thought well he upset me so much last time saying insenstive things. It wasn't helpful and I've asked for teh CBT referral so it's just a waste of time, and worse might actually be damaging for me.

Had a wobbble cos I had a letter saying that after late May I won't get paid anymore if I still can't work. I had been planning to go back before then anyway, but suddenly felt like it was being forced on me and made me feel guilty and useless for having to have time off, but talked to a couple of friends and found a more positive perspective. Told my boss I'm going back on the 7th May (will be a phased return) and have decided to look at it as something to give me some positive momentum.

Had a letter from CBT people basically asking me to confirm that I still want the service, so posted reply slip straight back yesterday and hoping I won't have to wait too long.

Also had hospital appointment yesterday for shoulder (it dislocates but due to my naturally flexible joints) They don't want to operate on it, which I'm pleased about, so I can carry on with physio. Plus going back to work will mean I can use the gym again so I'm focussing on that!

Gradually getting my house straight too, which is helping me feel better.

Blimey that's a lot of stuff there!