thanks for asking. Has really touched me.
Honestly - mixed. Have good moments, but sometimes it feels like such a constant struggle. I know it's worth it for the good bits, and I havent harmed for over a week (if we exclude drinking mojitos at home alone. Oh that sounds so sad. Fresh mint from the garden was yum though!) and the last time was only small. I just don't have a strong sense of belonging anywhere. I never feel like I fit in. I'm such a wierdo. I had some lovely days with my Mum, and she is wonderful, but that relationship has it's own difficulties. And generally I just don't let on to anyone how I'm feeling. I asked my GP for a referral to CBT which she said she'd do but I haven't heard anything yet and she said it might be six months or more, so I feel quite unsupported, but then why should anyone support me when I don't ask for help? Silly girl. I need to have more friends, but I'm not much fun to be with these days. Most of my 'friends' are male and while I don't doubt that they do care in some way about me, I know that most of them have ulterior motives to some degree or other (I'm not being arrogant, I find that hard to believe, but they've told me). I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but it's not 'me' they like, they don't know 'me' it's just an image in their head of somethign they want to own. And then it makes me feel horrible having to constantly enforce boundaries and keep reminding them I don't reciprocate. I'd just like to have one single person who would love me unconditionally. Mum doesn't. I know that sounds harsh, but with my family, it's all fine as long as what I'm doing fits in with what they perceive I should be doing. Anything else and it's always "well if that's the path your choosing, well I'm sorry but I won't be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong" and such like.
ANyway, I'm just being self-pitying and pathetic. I have a lot to be grateful for so should I get on being grateful. I'm going to try to get a table today - I haven't had one since I moved here last June, and it really annoys me - nothing proper to lean on to write or draw or eat at. Found a place that recycle pub furniture, so hopefully can get a decent solid table without spending money that I don't have. Fingers crossed.
Think will tinkle on the piano for a bit first, it needs tuning, but it is a release, even though I'm crap at playing.
Hope you're doing okay