both of my children SH - where did it all go wrong?

[parent69]

My daughter is almost 15 and has been SH since she was bullied in year 7. I found out just over a year ago and we have been to the GP (with mixed results), then teen counselling (which she hated) and now finally she has been accepted to child mental health services (no treatment yet or even an appointment, just an initial assessment & acceptance). She is exceptionally bright and on the surface seems full of confidence but is just sooo sad. She has no self confidence and generally feels she is not worthy of anything. She can talk to me some times but worries about upsetting me. i have reassured her that she can talk to me and it is my job as a parent to be worried. I try to remain calm and always try to give love & support. She is still regularly cutting and sometimes she tells me, sometimes i find out. it just breaks my heart but i was (just about) coping.

However, since Xmas I have found out my 13 year old son has also started SH. There have been two incidents which i know about. He is quite an emotional kid generally & always has been although he likes to give the impression he is tough. He also has no self confidence and when i found out he just said he was sad and he knew his sister did it and thought it would help. We’ve started the long NHS process but any help seems a long way off!

I just don't know where it all went wrong. I’ve always told my kids their handsome, pretty, smart and wonderful. We have a stable home life - not wealthy but hardly anyone is! The children’s father & I separated when they were very young - when they were 3 & 2 but their dad and I have a very good relationship. He is settled with a steady partner and has always seen them every fortnight without fail. I've been with my husband for 10 years + and he is a wonderful step dad. The kids have a plethora of half & step siblings which apart from the usual ups & downs all appear close. I work from home so I am pretty much always around have always supported my kids at school, home & socially.

Having one child with problems is one thing but two kids self harming - I feel like I must have done something wrong. This week I just don’t feel like I am coping and really needed to get this off my chest.

Any advice or just a few kind words would really help – thanks in advance.

[Thirteen]

*gentle hugs*
I can tell you now, you have done nothing wrong. and i can see you care about them dearly i i can honestly say they are very lucky to have you!
Sometimes, SH doesnt have to come from something huge in life, such as abuse ect, but can just be that she doesnt know how to cope with emotions. When she is sad, maybe she just doesnt know how to deal with that feeling. Guess she has learnt that SH releases endorphin's which will in turn make her feel a bit better.
As for you son, hopefully, as its only been since xmas, hopefully the SH shouldnt be as hard to stop as such, but again, learning to deal with the emotions that bring you to SH, will take a little longer. Is it also possible that maybe he is only really doing it cos he is feeling a little left out? If his confidence is low anyway, and he see's his sister getting a few more hugs, attention, or something, maybe this is the only reason he is SHing, with the right balance, maybe he will stop.
Sorry isnt very good advice.
But seriously, none of this is your fault! You children are both young, im sure with proff help and your support they can both get through this.
I wish i could have had a mum like you when i was younger, your doing great!
 

[Loo67]

Firstly hi and 
As a parent who has recently found out my daughter is SH I understand your pain, firstly this is not your fault and you most defo are not a failure far from it.
The one thing I've learnt is SH is a personal private coping way for the person and should be respected as such, your children are coping with things in their own way, as much as I would maybe open a bottle of wine if I had a bad day.
You sound like a fab mum who is there for them and seeking the right help, hopefully members on this site can help you understand SH as they have me.
  for you & we are here for you x x 

[parent69]

Thank you both for your kind words and support. It’s been a very dark week and although I know I’ve done my best sometimes its hard not to doubt yourself. One of my big problems is that I just don’t have anyone to talk to. I work at home, don’t have a close friend and although I am quite close to my Mum, she has her own problems. Both my son & daughter are very worried about other people finding out so have expressly asked me not to talk to certain people. I want to respect their right to privacy. My hubby does his best & tries hard to understand but (forgive me for being a little sexist) he is a typical stoic man! Anything emotional meets with the same response - ignore it, have a pint and it will probably go away. Anything bordering on emotional comes down to me.

I really want to believe that my sons issues are not so bad but I know that in a way his are going to be tougher to deal with. At least my daughter accepts help and will talk – he just won’t. Getting a few words out of him is tough with me – anyone else forget it!

I’ve just had a good long cry and feel a little better. It just seems like a very long road ahead of us. I love them so much and I would give anything to see them happy. I hated my teens and remember that time so well – the emotional rollercoaster, self doubt, low confidence, wanting to fit in and with me I was just so angry about everything.  I wish I could just fast forward a few years and show them that in the future things will be so much better.

Thanks again

[howling]

  and welldone for sharing what really is a very difficult time for you. i hope you will find the forum a wealth of support which you are going to need. it sounds like you are doing all the right things at the moment to support them both so please dont be so hard on yourself. their way of coping doesnt necessarily bear any reflection on parenting skills. anyway just wanted you to know that you are not alone here and we will help you through this the best we can. xxx

[jackgrillo]

Welcome to the site.

Every parent who finds out about their child harming naturally thinks that it was something that they did wrong, but this is far from the truth.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. All you can do at the moment is be there for them. I know it's really hard, but all you can do is tell them that you're there for them to talk to, if they want to. You can't force them, but you can be there for them if/when they want someone to talk to about it.

[BrokenDreamer]

Hi there!

I know that finding out that both your children self harm must be horrific, but I'm pretty sure that it is nothing you have done wrong. You sound like a brilliant mum and your children are really lucky to have someone so understanding. Both me and my brother self harm and I'm sure it's more common than you think. Helping them and getting them help is really all you can do, and I think you are doing really well.

Don't be disheartened, you will get through this as a family. I don't know how old you have to be to get on this forum, but you could suggest it to your daughter and she could get some help and support, as being part of a place like this really helps to make you feel more normal!

Take care,

BrokenDreamer x

[yrangelion]

Hi!
Sorry only just seeing your thread  to the forum by the way!!

When my older sister started sh, my confided in me! She told me how much of a failure she felt and although I was young at the time I tried to support! A year later when I was 14 started sh and I was too scared to tell anyone, I didn't want my mum to feel like a failure again! I got through it but then I relapsed at 17 (due to bullying) and got taken to hospital (not sh related) and whilst there the drs, nurses and my family all found out about the sh, it felt like the end of the world and to make matters worse the day people found out I sh, I found out that my other sister had also gone through a period of sh!

The reason I'm telling you this is because my sister was like your daughter, willing to accept the fact and get help and she got over it! I'm like your son, I won't talk to anyone in my family about it and talking to proffesionals was and still is impossible! I was referred to a youth worker though who could see how hard it was for me to talk and suggested I communicated through email instead! We email each other when ever things are getting to much and if I want to meet then we meet and even if we meet and can't talk it's fine...there's no pressure ! It's a lot less formal than counselling...just thought it may be something to consider!

Sorry if I've rambled a load of rubbish but basically I just wanted you to know that it's not your fault and that there is hope!! I'm one of the shyest people ever and I found someone I trust and can talk/email! I know I've relapsed a few time but that doesn't mean they will!!

Keep doing what you're doing you're doing a fab job!!! 
x x