struggling to hold it together. family problems. not SH related.

[tinkerbell88]

Hey everyone,

sorry in advance about the long post i just need a rant and need to get all this out my system and realy really need help and advice please.

my granddad (dads dad) died of lung cancer 2 years ago now, quite suddenly, didnt expect it at all. since this my dad has gone downhill mentally, but we have only just realised how much it affected him. For the past month my mom and dad have been having marriage problems, i found out a week ago that my dad had been seeing another woman, kissing cuddling and meeting for drinks but he swears it hasnt gone any further than that. the woman he was seeing was a family friend to make matters worse, and she was also married but was having marriage problems and my dad was there as the shoulder to cry on at first but things went too far. They were seeing each other for a month, mom knew they had kissed once and she forgave dad but he still carried on seeing her and lied to my mom, she found out as he was txting her one day and he wouldnt tell her who it was. Then he confessed everything. My mom beat my dad up badly and my younger 17 year old sister had to break them up as i was at work at the time.

Dad is completly cut up about what he has done, he cant believe that he was capable of doing something like this to my mom, theyve been married for 28 years, had the perfect marriage, weve always been a close steady family nothing like this has ever happened before and it all feels broken up now. mom has said she isnt going to divorce dad they are going to work through it. but im not sure if things will ever be the same again....

Dad has definatly got depression, he said he feels numb, dosent enjoy life, has no feeling and feels like hes not living. All of this i can relate to as i had bad depression a few years ago and iv been on medication for 4 years, alot of people in my dads family have depression so i think its genetic. Its like talking to a brick wall at the minute, he just sits there with a empty expression and its breaking my heart. Im crying as writing this as iv never had anything like this happen before, we were always the perfect family and were brought up well. Dad wont go to the doctors as he says hes 'fine', he wont speak to family members, his phone is off, he wont answer house phone and he dosent answer the door. Its killing me inside iv always been so close to my dad but im trying to stay strong for my mom as shes so angry and upset about whats happened.

How do i deal with this? I really think he needs professional help, but what do you do when someone refuses to go to the doctors?

when i was realy depressed he made me go, but now he wont go himself.

I want him to enjoy having his first granddaughter born but i feel like hes going to be oblivious to it. I need him there for me as im petrified but i feel like i havent got a dad anymore, as if hes died almost.

Iv got no-one to talk to about this as my mom dosent want me telling anyone as shes embarassed about it all.

Im not very good at expressing my feelings to my dad, i cant do it without bursting into tears and then not saying what i really need to say.

im 6 and a half months pregnant and this is so hard to deal with when im emotional anyway. My OH has been there for me but he dosent fully understand how hard it is to deal with as its not his dad.

Any help or advice much appreciated as i feel as if im at breaking point...   

sorry about long thread

xxx
 

[Carrie]

This all sounds very difficult to deal with, and I'm not sure I have any advice, I'm so sorry. I just wondered if there was a possibility of talking to your dad's doctor, and perhaps arranging a home visit, as you are clearly very worried for him? I hope that your dad will be feeling better by the birth of your child, I'd hate to think of him missing out on the early days, when it could be such a happy time for him.

[tinkerbell88]

yeah i might talk to doctor and see if we can do anything to help.

i hate feeling so helpless!!

i cant even have a drink to relax me lol

thanks for replying its just nice to talk to anyone to be honest

xx

[Carrie]

I think at the very least, talking to his doctor may just help put your mind at rest a little. You have a lot to deal with right now, being pregnant and all that goes with it is not easy, you are doing all you can though. I know you feel helpless to support him, but hun, if he's not accepting help you really can't be expected to do anymore than tell him you are there when he's ready to face his issues. I'm hoping the doctor will pop out to see him, he may well be more open to talking to someone who is not so close to him, and often to hear things from a doctor sound completely different to the same words coming from your loved ones. Keep posting for support, you don't have to face this alone.

[tinkerbell88]

thanks hun. im sick of having sleepless nights over this. and the only reason im eating is for my baby as iv lost my apetite!

my dad is stubborn and if i got a doctor out im sure he would just walk out the house. but i suppose i will have tried.

i thought of writing a letter to him so i could get all my thoughts out, i can hardly talk to him at the minute, weve always had a funny relationship where we dont like to show each other that we care for each other and dont like getting emotional in front of each other as i feel embarassed. what do u think about putting it in writing?

i know my dad cares about me and loves me alot weve always been so close so maybe if he can see how i really feel as iv hardly spoke to him since all this has happened as i dont know what to say or where to start..

xx

[Carrie]

I think writing something for him would be a good idea. Although, you'd have to make sure it's worded in a way that he could not turn it round as a punishment to himself, for example, if you said something like, you been so distant right now is so upsetting for me, he might be in the mindset to think..I'm upsetting everyone I love, I'm no good, I should shut myself away more etc you know the kind of thing we all do when our mood is so very low. So, maybe a well choosen card, saying you know things are difficult, and how much he means to you, perhaps focus on some things you enjoyed with him and very much look forward to enjoying again. That way suggesting some achievable goals for him. Hope that makes some sense. I think you are a lovely, caring daughter, and he will come back to you. 

[tinkerbell88]

yeah i know what u mean, just got to be careful in the way i word things...

its strange cus he was there for me when i was really depressed and going through SH for years and now its been reversed, its shown me how hard it must have been for people to deal with me!!!

aww thank u, your going to make me cry!! i wouldnt mind if he was a horrible person but hes a good man and i hope things get better but its horrible when you cant see a light at the end of the tunnel.

xx