Last night, completely out of the blue I got a series of texts from my boyfriend. First he asked if he was a bad boyfriend. Of course I said no, and asked why he needed to ask that. (Things haven't been brilliant between us recently but it has been improving, its just hard that we're a hundred miles apart or so) Then he said he thought people would be better off without him. I asked him why, what happened, and he said that his life is worthless, noone cares about him, he just lost his job, he has no money, can't afford to eat (even though he lives with his parents), everything goes wrong, he never has a completely good day without something happen to annoy him, etc etc. I can't remember exactly what it said. I tried to call him, he didn't answer, I text him some more asking what happened, he didn't reply. This went on for a few hours while I got more and more worried about him, maybe I over-reacted but I was in tears talking to a close friend on skype, I just didn't know what to do or say, how to know if he was okay.
Eventually I got a 2-word message - "don't worry". Mmmhmmm... because that is really going to stop me worrying
at least I knew he was okay though. A few hours later he picked up the phone, said he was only talking to me so that I didn't worry about him any more. But we had quite a long chat. He said he was still feeling as low and as bad as when he'd first started texting me earlier on. But... he sounded like normal, a bit annoyed at losing his job, but he didn't sound worried, or panicky, or calm and detached, just..... normal. I dunno. Maybe you can't tell how someone is feeling by the sound of their voice. His definition of things always going wrong was "well yesterday my tv broke, the day before the internet to my bedroom stopped working, the day before that I lost £30... and so I have nothing to do when I'm not at college, especially now I've lost my job, I'm not going to sit in the living room to watch tv with my sisters and my mum and her boyfriend because I don't want to spend time with them". We talked for a while longer, I tried to convince him to see the positive things that he has in his life rather than just focussing on the things that go wrong - he gets paid for last week's work on Friday so he'll have money again tomorrow, I am there (it might be a while til I can see him after my exams finish but I am only a phonecall away if he really needs something), his college courses are going well, he thinks he's going to get Bs in his exams this summer... that kind of thing. But apparently that isn't enough, he doesn't have many friends since they all went away to uni a few years ago and he didn't and he never goes out anywhere to meet new friends. I tried to convince him that he has to make the effort, random people are not going to come knocking on his door wanting to be friends if he doesn't do anything to try to find them. Now I KNOW that that is easier said than done, I've been there, done that. He just seems determined to feel sorry for himself.
Now here's the thing. I don't know what to do or say to him. I feel like there is something else he isn't telling me. In my (admittedly limited) experience of SH with myself and a friend a few years back that I've now grown apart from, and knowing his personality and the way he tends to react to things, I can't see how losing his job along with a few other little annoyances has pushed him this far. Yep I can see it'd make him feel pretty rubbish, pretty low, but if there is nothing else behind it then I.... I just don't get it. This isn't him at all. Has he been hiding the real him from me all this time? We've been together for roughly a year and I'd like to think that after all this time he would trust me enough to tell me if something was wrong, rather than totally denying it. Even if he said "yes there's something else but I can't talk about it" or whatever, that'd be fine.
I guess I just feel kinda useless. I haven't told him how low I've been feeling myself lately, because we've been growing apart and I know how much he would over-react to it and want to come to my house at uni to protect me etc. (Maybe I just answered one of my own questions there...) But I don't feel like I will be able to cope very well with his problems on top of my own. Maybe that just makes me an awful girlfriend, maybe I am just really insensitive for not completely understanding how he is feeling already. Maybe I am just completely useless to him right now, I should be more understanding and supportive and less questioning about it...
What can I do/say? How am I supposed to react? How should I treat him now? Do I just pretend everything is okay and leave it up to him to mention things if he wants to talk about them? I feel I should know the answers to these questions but it's different somehow when it's your boyfriend.
Sorry this is such a wall of text, I didn't mean to write this much, I know I've been rambling but I guess I just needed to get it out. Any help or advice would be massively appreciated.