it sounds as if you are having a really difficult time. My daughter does the pushing away thing which we all recognise and understand, but it doesn't stop it being so hard to deal with - we have emotions too. When you are stretched to the limit with worry and concern it is hard to offer what they need. I don't know how many times I have told my daughter I love her no matter what and she's told me she doesn't understand how I can. Once you've taken the arrow out of your heart , ( which takes 20 seconds ), you go on being the best mum you can be.
Have you, has she considered being an inpatient?
I was terrified and shocked when my daughter became an inpatient but I am slowly beginning to see it was the right choice.
remember we're all here to listen if you need to share your thoughts.