hi, first time I've been here and I've not spoken about this before.
can't remember much from when I was young, am 30 now. dad had a violent temper, mum and dad used to fight a lot, I'd hide in my brothers room and listen to music with him. I was flashed by a man when I was 14, raped by my boyfriend when I was 15, thought I was pregnant, mum 'prayed' for me when I told her. That was when I SH'ed for the first time, it was an accident, I was angry and threw a plate, cut my hand, was fascinated by the blood, forgot what I had been angry about. Kept a sharp bit of the plate, next time I boiled over I used the plate instead of breaking something. Wasn't pregnant- thank god!
Most of the time I'm calm, layed back, I scare myself when I get angry. Don't like getting out of control like my dad, bottled up the anger and frustration, then when it gets too much, I cut, then feel happy and normal. For a while.
Lived with older sister and her family for a while, nephew was ill, leukemia, bone marrow transplant, almost died. Was sleeping with a jerk, used me for sex, treated me like s**t, I loved him. Took first OD, spent night in hospital, felt safe and happy for first time in months.
Moved into own place, was fine for a long while, slept around, felt dirty after each time, got too much after a while, SH'ed again, OD again, felt better.
Couple of years passed no SH.
Met husband- alcholic, didn't see it, I loved him, he drank, started SH again, not cutting, b**ning, he didn't care.
Had daughter, left alone all the time, SH'ed more, he left me for ex, they're having a baby, got very bad for a while, I was evicted.
Now it's been almost a year since I last SH'ed, think about it a lot, not done it. Own place, no b/f, no sex, no money, just me and little girl- happier than before, don't know what the future holds, anything?
hope all that made sence, x