Author Topic: struggling to lose weight healthily *ed, sh, sa* *may trigger*  (Read 281 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Tired Soul

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 1353
Hi,

I am really struggling to lose weight. Of all the destructive things I have done to my body, my eating has ended up being the worst and hardest thing to manage. Growing up I don't think I would eat loads but I was never skinny, always more muscular/curvy. I then got to a 10 year phase where I took drugs/ meds, drank, self harmed, played a lot of sports and had a lot of sex and generally put my life at risk, and all that kept my body in pretty good shape (which sounds f***ing ridiculous and shameful to read back). Now, however, I have stopped everything on that list except for the sports and I've replaced all of the bad habits with eating. It feels really sh**ty knowing that I have spent all this time finding ways to stop hurting myself so badly, only to destroy myself with food. It's like I kicked the majority of my destructive habits and then replaced them with an insatiable appetite! And right now I see no way of being able to stop it.

I am 'meal prepping' my breakfasts and lunches, but then I eat dinner and I want snacks and I want more of everything and sometimes it's overwhelming. It's not just at night that I have this problem, I literally feel hungry all the time, I think about food all the time. I worry about having enough food to eat during the day and sometimes will carry a bunch of extra food with me 'just in case'. I used to carry around my self-harm tools for that reason, and now it is this bad habit instead. The more focus I put on losing weight and eating healthily, the more I want to self-harm and/or binge eat. It triggers off my super critical destructive thoughts and in order to shut them down I end up eating something instead.

I know my eating issues are linked to sexual abuse, to issues with my parents, and to self image and identity... I know all of these things are big issues and I have been for therapy about them etc, but my eating still feels like such a huge problem that I have zero resources for. I really want to stop eating and to lose weight so that I can finally feel what it is like to exist in my sober, non self-harming, non abused body for once in my life. I do not want to get any older and still be this way. The idea of a healthy body feels like such a far off concept that I don't know how I will get there, but I feel desperate to get there. At the same time I know that I am hugely scared to lose the weight, to stop relying on food, because I feel that once I lose the weight I will want to, or feel triggered to, go back to wanting to have sex and I know that sex/feeling sexy/attractive is super triggering for me etc etc etc and it makes me want to self harm and drink/take drugs/escape... so I am fully aware that I self-sabotage on a regular basis, but I also can't stay as I am anymore. I wish I didn't have to eat to survive, because then I would be able to just stop eating and I could do that, the biggest problem is that I have to eat to stay alive, meaning I have to have food in my life, and I can't control myself around it enough. I feel so stuck!!!!!

Has anyone else managed to make the change from over eating to healthy eating, despite the self-critical sh**ty feelings and fear of change and all that? Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to help get me past the 'couple weeks of good eating and exercise' and into a way of being that means I can tolerate seeing my body change and not feel like I am going to die because I don't have all the safety of food around me. I literally feel petrified about this all. To me it feels like it would be 100% easier to self harm and f*** myself up than it would be to have a healthy relationship with food. What has been successful for anyone? What has worked for you? I feel like I need someone literally walking around w me 24/7 managing what I eat and drink and keeping me from going off track... I don't know how I can do it by myself... I feel so lost with this, any thoughts? has anyone had any professional support with over eating? I don't think I can do it by myself, I am pathetic.

Any advice or thoughts welcome. xx
Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.

Online so sad

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 642
Re: struggling to lose weight healthily *ed, sh, sa* *may trigger*
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2017, 02:36:16 PM »
Hi

I don't have any answers so I'm sorry but I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I have issues with food and none stop eating - it stops me feeling whilst I eat but then I feel worse after it cos I feel fat and weak etc so I do understand some of what you're saying.

have you thought about doing Slimming World? You can eat loads on it, food like pasta, rice and potatoes whichI find comforting. Chocolate is allowed in small quantities as well as other 'treat' food but I try to avoid them as once I start I don't stop.

Sorry if thats a lame suggestion

Hope you find something that works for you both practically and emotionally.

M x

Offline Tired Soul

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 1353
Re: struggling to lose weight healthily *ed, sh, sa* *may trigger*
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2017, 01:06:51 AM »
Hi So Sad,

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot.

The feelings you describe about over eating really make sense.

I have tried Weight Watchers in the past. I found it hard to commit to the meetings because of cost and I found it difficult to relate to the other women that attended the meetings. I was in a really bad place mentally when I tried it, so it is possible I might be able to look at it or Slimming World etc now. It isn't a lame suggestion, I have contemplated it, I guess I just don't want to put money into something that I wont be able to commit to/get on board with... but maybe because I am in a different place now I will find it different. The real issue is probably that I am scared to commit because I feel like a failure already, and I apparently have a ridiculously large block on losing weight, and I think I will continue to fail at losing weight...so then I feel like 'why keep trying'.

I keep thinking that I will empty the house of all my junk foods and maybe stop taking my bank card to the shop with me, so I have to take out the right amount of cash for listed/approved food items only.. If I only had 'allowed foods' in the house then maybe it would slow down my disasterful food ways.

But I literally am filled with fear thinking about not having comfort foods, about losing weight, and about feeling better in my body. It terrifies me and I feel like a total idiot because it is currently one of my biggest issues and I hate my body and my self right now. I NEED to lose weight but I have so many unhealthy attachments to food that I can't seem to stop myself from self-sabotaging. Argh I am pathetic.

I am alone with dealing with this, my partner doesn't have the same feelings/issues around foods as I do and she doesn't get why I struggle and she doesn't seem to want to try and help me deal with it either. She seems to think that I have to do it myself.

Has anyone gone to a doctor or nutritionist or dietician or personal fitness coach and done any specific mental health work around food and exercise? I feel like throwing money at it may be my only way of getting the support I need for it? There are not many things that make me want to self harm again but this really does and I know I have to find a way past it but I am so lost in my head about what will work and how to manage it.

Thank you again for your thoughts x
Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.

Online so sad

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 642
Re: struggling to lose weight healthily *ed, sh, sa* *may trigger*
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2017, 09:05:36 AM »
Hi

I did it all online but the initial payment wasn't cheap. I'd done it before so for the most part it made sense and there are so many facebook pages that you can access a lot of support for free.
I do wonder if the SW consultants are trained to help people with an eating type disorder - I think they maybe. You could try to see if you could get a chat with a local SW consultant, even if its just via email, and ask for advice. They tend to vary but if you hit on the right one they could really support you. I know its abig ask to open up to one but if it doens't work out then you could leave .
Its a shame your partner doesn't get it, so many people don't and its so hard when you feel so alone.
Could you shop online and only get the 'right' food? I'm a nightmare for buying other nicer food when I go, chocolate finds its own way into my trolley and huge amounts can be eaten before I've even got home.
You are not pathetic - your brain isn't working properly and its a case of working out how to train it differently. Sounds so simple doesn't it - I really know it isn't.
I've toyed with seeing a nutritionist who can look at it from a mental health point of view. Its still on my to-do list
Please don't give yourself a hard time - we are our worst enemies
Huge hugs
x

Offline Tired Soul

  • 18+
  • Usually here
  • ***
  • Posts: 1353
Re: struggling to lose weight healthily *ed, sh, sa* *may trigger*
« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2017, 11:55:45 PM »
Hi So Sad,

Thanks for your thoughts, again.

Yeah, maybe having a look at online versions of the SW or WW could be a good compromise to it. I could try to see if anyone is trained with eating disorder type stuff, that's a good idea too. I will have a look. I also thought maybe i might go back to my doctor againnnn and see whether they have any better suggestions this time around for me... I wonder if they would be able to help me find a nutritionist or something. let me know if you ever do get round to seeing a nutritionist, i would be interested to hear what it is like.

I do feel alone, I know I have to do it for myself but i still wish i had someone in real life that i could talk to about eating stuff, as i feel so alone with it all.

Food shopping online could work. yeah I am the same with food shopping.. stupid junk food tempting my eyeballs. I just don't like the way they choose the fresh stuff.. maybe I will need to make food shopping my partners job, so that i am not involved. I dunno.

I think something i realised too is that if i lose the weight and don't feel better, then i do not know how i will cope. It feels like it is my biggest hurdle, and if i still feel sh** afterwards, then what more can i do, what is left that i can change/work with.... that feels terrifying.

Anyway, thank you for your support. I hope you're doing as good as you can  :1025: hugs to you too. x
Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.